rm-r comic Halloween Contest 2013
Death By Expiration Date
Can anyone survive a bottle of milk that's been opened 130 years past the expiration date?
Death by Expiration Date
"Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhharhhhhhhhhhhh!" There are usually fewer blood-curdling screams involved with breakfast.
Carole raced into the room where Ben's jaw was locked in a twisted scowl of horror.
"WHAT HAPPENED?!" Carole demanded.
"This milk! It's like... WAY past the expiration date. And it looks absolutely identical to the bottle we just bought.
Why the hell do we keep that thing in the fridge."
Carole rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Because it contains the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls for whom it's too late to ever see light again."
She picked the still-spilling bottle off the floor, replaced the cap, and put it back in the fridge.
"And because... as you know very well... since we go through this same thing EVERY DAMNED YEAR... exposing those souls to room
temperature will bring about the Blood Curse Apocalypse that will be the ruin of mankind."
Ben's face straightened-out immediately.
"Oh yeaaaaah! How could I forget a thing like that?"
"Every year."
"Yeah... It does ring a bell now that you mention it. So what do we do again?"
"We have to consult Senor Misterioso."
"Ah yes... The All-powerful Misterioso..."
"He's not that powerful."
"Of course... I mean the All-Wise..."
"He's not all that bright."
"Refresh my memory... WHY do we consult Senor Misterioso again?"
"He's got two things that can help us... He's got a demon vacuum cleaner..."
"What? Like a Dirt Devil."
"It IS a Dirt Devil... with a rare factory defect that allows it to suck up lost souls."
"And a car! I remember! Senor Misterioso..."
"...will let us borrow his car."
So off they dashed... towards the Brown Line in the direction of Logan Square. To meet the overall pleasant but not
particularly powerful or perceptive Senor Mysterioso.
"The Inner Sanctum of Senor Misterioso is not always visible to the naked eye. We must approach it with great caution," Carole warned,
"Lest we lose our chance forever to meet..."
"It is ME!" Screamed Senor Misterioso. Who was out in the front yard. Trimming the hedges with bright red hedge clippers."
Today he wasn't all that mysterious either.
"Do not kill us oh Great Senor Misterioso!"
"GREAT?! I am "passable" at best... What can I do for you?"
"We need to borrow your Dirt Devil."
"I gave it to Mitch."
"Who the hell is Mitch?"
"Some bongo player up on the third floor. He had a problem with the milk..."
"The Unholy Blood Curse Apocalypse."
"Something like that... I told him he could have it. All I ever did was loan it to you guys anyway. Come to think of it... I haven't seen him since..."
"Then we were already too late when we started! For all we know the Blood Curse Apocalypse has already begun!"
"Well we aren't dead yet!" Ben screamed... pulling a shotgun from under his suddenly badass-looking trench coat.
"What the hell are you going to do with that against a thousand lost souls?"
"Nothing! It's only 500 lost souls... And this 'Mitch' knows where we can find them."
Slowly up the stairs they crept... the stench of death and curdled cream getting stronger as they approached the third floor landing. Could it be true? Had the Blood Curse Apocalypse already begun? What horrors awaited them in the 1 bedroom, 1 bath, $599 a month with no utilities included chamber of this "Mitch: Who Plays Bongos"?
"YIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! A mouse!" Carole screamed.
"Out of the way!" Ben cast her aside and tripped both triggers of his two-handed firearm, completely failing against the evasive scurrying of the mouse, but succeeding in blowing a large whole in the side of the building.
"Well... if it's in the hallway, then at least they can't take it out of my 6 month security deposit..."
"3594 dollars?!"
"The horror!"
"Well it's not as bad as the Blood Curse Apocalypse." reasoned Mitch.
"YOU KNOW!" Ben and Carole cried-out in unison.
"Oh yeah. It started this morning. Me and Senor Misterioso saw the dead walking the earth again this morning."
"Quick question..." started Ben, "You wouldn't have happened to have borrowed a Dirt Devil from him would you?"
"No. I have wooden floors." answered Mitch.
"Ok thanks."
BLAM! BLAM! This time Ben's aim was true. The first shot blue a hole through Mitch's chest like a picture window. And the second took his head clean off.
"WHAT THE HELL BEN?! You killed Mitch!"
"The Hell indeed! Don't you get it? Mitch was already dead..."
"Well he is NOW!"
"Didn't you hear him? We just came from Senor Misterioso. He didn't mention any dead roaming the earth again. And Mitch says he never borrrowed the Dirt Devil. That could only mean..."
"SENOR MISTERIOSO IS THE LEADER OF THE BLOOD CURSE APOCALYPSE!"
"That mysterious bastard! He set us up!"
"That's right! He... Hooo Hoo! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!" Suddenly Senor Misterioso seemed much brighter, darker, more mysterious, and infinitely cliched.
"And now the Blood Curse Apocalypse has begun!"
Ben pulled his shotgun... but with a wave of his hand Senor Misterioso was able to turn it into a dozen roses.
"The fuck?!?"
"Boy! My power is beyond your understanding! And now it's time for my minions to rise from their graves!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Screamed Mitch... who suddenly seemed a lot less dead.
He floated through the air and used his magnetic powers to send the lawn mower flying towards Senor Misterioso who was able to block it with his wand, however because of that he didn't notice Ben sneaking-up on him with the vacuum cleaner.
"Suck on this!" With the Dirt Devil set to Anti-Annihilation Ben stepped on the pedal and absorbed Senor Misterioso's mystery powers and the moment they did the lawn mower went flying at him at 20 times its original speed crushing the uncanny villain into a thousand pieces.
The sky turned from Blood Red to an Average Level of Pollution Grey... and the Death Rattle rumbled to a halt.
"Mitch! We thought you were dead!" Carole said.
"I wasn't dead... I was put into a life-like death trance by Senor Misterioso. And Ben's shotgun blast woke me out of it. How did you know, Ben?"
"Umm... I make it my business to know! Yeah... knew all about it. Think I read it somewhere. But where the hell did you get the power of flight and control over the Earth's magnetic fields?"
"Well that's an amazing story actually... and I'll tell you all about it... IF DAVID WINS THE HALLOWEEN CONTEST!"
"Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhharhhhhhhhhhhh!" There are usually fewer blood-curdling screams involved with breakfast.
Carole raced into the room where Ben's jaw was locked in a twisted scowl of horror.
"WHAT HAPPENED?!" Carole demanded.
"This milk! It's like... WAY past the expiration date. And it looks absolutely identical to the bottle we just bought.
Why the hell do we keep that thing in the fridge."
Carole rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Because it contains the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls for whom it's too late to ever see light again."
She picked the still-spilling bottle off the floor, replaced the cap, and put it back in the fridge.
"And because... as you know very well... since we go through this same thing EVERY DAMNED YEAR... exposing those souls to room
temperature will bring about the Blood Curse Apocalypse that will be the ruin of mankind."
Ben's face straightened-out immediately.
"Oh yeaaaaah! How could I forget a thing like that?"
"Every year."
"Yeah... It does ring a bell now that you mention it. So what do we do again?"
"We have to consult Senor Misterioso."
"Ah yes... The All-powerful Misterioso..."
"He's not that powerful."
"Of course... I mean the All-Wise..."
"He's not all that bright."
"Refresh my memory... WHY do we consult Senor Misterioso again?"
"He's got two things that can help us... He's got a demon vacuum cleaner..."
"What? Like a Dirt Devil."
"It IS a Dirt Devil... with a rare factory defect that allows it to suck up lost souls."
"And a car! I remember! Senor Misterioso..."
"...will let us borrow his car."
So off they dashed... towards the Brown Line in the direction of Logan Square. To meet the overall pleasant but not
particularly powerful or perceptive Senor Mysterioso.
"The Inner Sanctum of Senor Misterioso is not always visible to the naked eye. We must approach it with great caution," Carole warned,
"Lest we lose our chance forever to meet..."
"It is ME!" Screamed Senor Misterioso. Who was out in the front yard. Trimming the hedges with bright red hedge clippers."
Today he wasn't all that mysterious either.
"Do not kill us oh Great Senor Misterioso!"
"GREAT?! I am "passable" at best... What can I do for you?"
"We need to borrow your Dirt Devil."
"I gave it to Mitch."
"Who the hell is Mitch?"
"Some bongo player up on the third floor. He had a problem with the milk..."
"The Unholy Blood Curse Apocalypse."
"Something like that... I told him he could have it. All I ever did was loan it to you guys anyway. Come to think of it... I haven't seen him since..."
"Then we were already too late when we started! For all we know the Blood Curse Apocalypse has already begun!"
"Well we aren't dead yet!" Ben screamed... pulling a shotgun from under his suddenly badass-looking trench coat.
"What the hell are you going to do with that against a thousand lost souls?"
"Nothing! It's only 500 lost souls... And this 'Mitch' knows where we can find them."
Slowly up the stairs they crept... the stench of death and curdled cream getting stronger as they approached the third floor landing. Could it be true? Had the Blood Curse Apocalypse already begun? What horrors awaited them in the 1 bedroom, 1 bath, $599 a month with no utilities included chamber of this "Mitch: Who Plays Bongos"?
"YIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! A mouse!" Carole screamed.
"Out of the way!" Ben cast her aside and tripped both triggers of his two-handed firearm, completely failing against the evasive scurrying of the mouse, but succeeding in blowing a large whole in the side of the building.
"Well... if it's in the hallway, then at least they can't take it out of my 6 month security deposit..."
"3594 dollars?!"
"The horror!"
"Well it's not as bad as the Blood Curse Apocalypse." reasoned Mitch.
"YOU KNOW!" Ben and Carole cried-out in unison.
"Oh yeah. It started this morning. Me and Senor Misterioso saw the dead walking the earth again this morning."
"Quick question..." started Ben, "You wouldn't have happened to have borrowed a Dirt Devil from him would you?"
"No. I have wooden floors." answered Mitch.
"Ok thanks."
BLAM! BLAM! This time Ben's aim was true. The first shot blue a hole through Mitch's chest like a picture window. And the second took his head clean off.
"WHAT THE HELL BEN?! You killed Mitch!"
"The Hell indeed! Don't you get it? Mitch was already dead..."
"Well he is NOW!"
"Didn't you hear him? We just came from Senor Misterioso. He didn't mention any dead roaming the earth again. And Mitch says he never borrrowed the Dirt Devil. That could only mean..."
"SENOR MISTERIOSO IS THE LEADER OF THE BLOOD CURSE APOCALYPSE!"
"That mysterious bastard! He set us up!"
"That's right! He... Hooo Hoo! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!" Suddenly Senor Misterioso seemed much brighter, darker, more mysterious, and infinitely cliched.
"And now the Blood Curse Apocalypse has begun!"
Ben pulled his shotgun... but with a wave of his hand Senor Misterioso was able to turn it into a dozen roses.
"The fuck?!?"
"Boy! My power is beyond your understanding! And now it's time for my minions to rise from their graves!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Screamed Mitch... who suddenly seemed a lot less dead.
He floated through the air and used his magnetic powers to send the lawn mower flying towards Senor Misterioso who was able to block it with his wand, however because of that he didn't notice Ben sneaking-up on him with the vacuum cleaner.
"Suck on this!" With the Dirt Devil set to Anti-Annihilation Ben stepped on the pedal and absorbed Senor Misterioso's mystery powers and the moment they did the lawn mower went flying at him at 20 times its original speed crushing the uncanny villain into a thousand pieces.
The sky turned from Blood Red to an Average Level of Pollution Grey... and the Death Rattle rumbled to a halt.
"Mitch! We thought you were dead!" Carole said.
"I wasn't dead... I was put into a life-like death trance by Senor Misterioso. And Ben's shotgun blast woke me out of it. How did you know, Ben?"
"Umm... I make it my business to know! Yeah... knew all about it. Think I read it somewhere. But where the hell did you get the power of flight and control over the Earth's magnetic fields?"
"Well that's an amazing story actually... and I'll tell you all about it... IF DAVID WINS THE HALLOWEEN CONTEST!"